Astro Girls Astrology Horoscopes

Welcome to Earth where the, as yet, unsuccessful search for intelligent life (extra-terrestrial or otherwise) goes on. Perhaps the next meteor or asteroid that crashes through our roof will host some kind of creepy, crawling organism with a synapse that we can cheerfully proclaim to be the “Contact!” we’ve been waiting for. Don’t hold your breath.

So, what does Earth have to do with astrology and horoscopes? Absolutely nothing!, or absolutely everything (if the Sun does indeed “rise” in the morning).

Early astronomers (and astrologers) busily looking into the sky didn’t consider Earth a planet but, the de facto center of the Universe. The Sun and everything else in creation revolved around Terra Firma as it hung motionless and constipated in space.

One night in 1610, peering through an empty Mezcal bottle, Galileo noted that Jupiter appeared to have moons of its own orbiting about it, and that Venus was a “crescent” (the Sun must be “rising and setting” on it also). The “Holy Fathers”, in celebration of this incredible discovery, quickly rounded up some faggots from around town for a barbeque in the old man’s honor.

Our intrepid scientist, allergic to Hickory smoke, immediately confessed to the Inquisitors that besides the Cactus juice, he had been hitting the pipe and eating “Rooms” with Lindsay Lohan at the time, and therefore must have been hallucinating. Satisfied, the ecclesiastics returned the Cosmos back to its proper place, and Galileo to house arrest for the remainder of his life.

Around 1666, as Sir “Izzy” Newton was lying in the shade and picking his nose, he found himself ground zero of a galactic collision as the Earth crashed headlong into a hapless worm piloting a Granny Smith inner-planetary vehicle (GSIV). Jumping to his feet, the genius shouted, “Eureka, I’ve got it!”, and wiped a booger onto his blue, velvet trousers.

No longer terrified of Bloody Mary and the “titty twisters”, Newton loudly proclaimed that he had “invented” a new mathematics; and that the world was upside-down and would end sometime after the year 2060. (Newton’s dead body was found to contain massive amounts of Mercury.)

In 1838, Charles “Bushmeat” Darwin, feverishly gnawing on the drumstick of some soon-to-be-extinct avian on the malarial basin of the Amazon, was struck by the observation that only humans and birds were bi-pedal, and that there must be a connection. Remembering that a famous predecessor had been “apple-bonked” and gone “ape-shit”, he made a cosmic assumption. The only difference between a man, and a chicken, an ape, (or a worm) was a pair of “designer genes” (some “egg-heads” are still debating this).

The history of Earth (estimated at 5 billion years give or take a few hundred million) is man’s most enduring and exhaustive preoccupation. There was a long “time before time” – before flowers and trees and green monkeys. And, there will be a long “time after time”.

Life is very, very recent in geological terms. New discoveries are made every day pushing the boundary of blood-pumping existentialism farther and farther back into the hot and steamy past.

A trillion year old dinosaur egg was recently discovered under Benny’s Bo Fiddle Bar in Toledo, Ohio. Whereupon a bunch of sweaty palmed government agents descended on the find with hopes of extracting a bit of DNA and cloning several hundred T-Rexes to be immediately released into the tribal areas of Afghanistan.

But that won’t work! As soon as the Dinos wander into the Taliban’s poppy fields and nod off like Dorothy into a technicolor catatonia, the pious “Rag-heads” will resume their “Holy War” against the modern world and edible underwear.

The last so-called “monkey’s uncle” unearthed (an aunt in this case named Iris or something) was recently acknowledged as 2 million years older than the previously excavated 3.5 million year old “Aunt Lucy” (what did happen to all the “uncles”?).

Scientists have been unable to tell if Iris ever looked heavenward and said (in Oxford English of course), “Hello, it’s Me – Is anybody out There?” The professors think she had probably not developed such a level of consciousness as it appears she was yet without fire or lipstick.

It is indeed a lonely planet, populated by several billions of frightened, ignorant, unwashed and unshaven bi-pedal (not chickens) life forms seemingly intent on destroying mankind’s only foothold in space.

As Alfred E. Newman would say, “What, me worry?” Ali Babel told me if I just push this plunger I’ll have 12 virgins sucking on my toes. Uh, or was it 10 virgins and 12 toes? But Mo-om, Jimmy next door has an A-Bomb, why can’t I have one too?

Ok, ok, I don’t believe there is intelligent Life out there (or here either). This is it folks, there ain’t no more! Forget about Star Trek, Avatar and E.T! We were a blip on some cosmic timeline that will not be remembered because there is no one “out there” to discover us; and our spinning, smoking cinder will disappear eventually into a cold, black void without a star to guide us.

But, Hey cheer up! You could be Lindsay Lohan.

Editorial comment by: Beauregard G. Wanker Ph.D.